| thanks. |
[21 Jul 2009|11:04am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
oh how i wish you take a look and see
this fire burning inside of me
for when i set myself ablaze
i did it hoping you would wrap your arms around my flames
saving me from self destruction
hopefully exstinguishing all the pain
so that my heart could be
put back together ever so gently
and we both could be free
to love eachother perfectly.
but now you've turned away,
backing away from the heat and flame
that once mesmerized your gaze
leaving our home and family in the past
never thinking of looking back
starting to change, not even you
thanks for making me feel like a big fucking fool.
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[02 Jun 2009|05:06pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
] |
i went to an open mic last night to watch my cousin perform. they video taped him and it was really cool, it will be up on songpull.com and thats awesome. what really made the night was the fact I WENT UP AND PERFORMED MY VERY OWN WRITTEN SONG AND IT WAS AMAZING! i'm gonna be up there with a video within a month, and i'm super excited about it all. i had the best time of my life, and i got so many compliments, it made me feel so good about myself that i feel so much better. are you guys excited? bc i am :)
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| what am i gonna do with myself? |
[29 Apr 2009|12:07am] |
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mood |
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 shitty |
] |
i'm having the hardest time with this. i just want it to fade away.. i need to find the light in this tunnel. i feel trapped in the dark, no way to see where i'm going and or if i'm headed in the right way :(:(:(:( i keep dreaming about him, and i wake up with anxiety because i'm not near him and i don't know what he's doing. Does this mean i need medication?? i dont know how to deal with this pain. this time it's different, and permenant. real sorrow, i dont think i ever knew the meaning until now. oh fuckk.
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| i am not happy. |
[06 Feb 2009|03:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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lost |
] |
| [ |
music |
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I hate this part by pussycat dolls |
] |
I think it's all over, i don't feel the connection anymore. Something's not right. I don't like it.
Too much stress, i left my mess life and frank so it wouldn't be like this anymore. It's crept back up again.
I don't want to go back to New York. I'm not ready yet. I'm thinking about joining the Air Force.
Derrick is too selfish for me. It's always what he wants, how he wants it and when he wants it, otherwise forget getting anything done the way you want it. EVER.
I'm starting to distance myself, this is the part where the end starts.
oh by the way, today is his 21st birthday. Happy Birthday. fuck.
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| hello livejournal, it's been too long. |
[31 Jan 2009|03:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 boggled. |
] |
It's been so long since i've written in here, i've completely forgotten how to do it. hah. Well i've been living in florida since April 2008. Almost 1 year. Insanity, mostly. Got my own place, 2 dogs.. living alright. But it's so much harder when you don't have the friends you've grown up around. I miss my family above all. I found out who my TRUE friends were, and it was very scarce. Jodi doesn't even talk to me anymore, and it's really sad. I miss her. Rachael barely ever calls, and when i call usually it's a no answer and then it'll be months before she calls back. Jessica checks in most of the time, but lately she's been really busy i guess. The people down here are weird, and i don't trust any of them. Derrick is having the same problems. We are at eachother's throats sometimes, but we are making it through. We don't want to give up, so i'm changing things i don't like, and hopefully he'll follow suit. Daro has been the only one of them all who's called or talked to me almost every day. Surprising, alittle.. but i like it. She moved in last Tuesday because New York was not doing it for her anymore. It's been a little strange getting use to another girl in the house, but i'm adjusting. I get a little jealous how he acts towards her, but they've been friends for so long.. it's like it was with me and Mike Ruggabur or John Gilboy, homies till the end. I understand thier closeness now. Sometimes my rational judgement flies out the window at warpspeed and i turn into this raging lunatic, i don't get myself. I think i'm slowly coming to the conclusion maybe Derrick isn't right for me, but it's hard to tell.. so i'm trucking. I love him, don't get me wrong. We've just fallen into this routinely pattern, and we need to break it. We'll see.
I hate that my friends no longer talk to me, especially since I seriously try to stay in contact with them. It boggles me. Truely.
I'm trying to be happy, but my past creeps up everyonce in awhile, and i feel like i've made 1 step forward and then 2 steps back. Especially in my relationship with derrick, but i'm trying to change my attitude. I hate being miserable, and i refuse to let myself be anymore.
But i'll tell ya, life loves to try and keep you down. fuck the society that is the world today, its fucking depressing. Live to work your ass off for some kind of meaninful life that you end up being miserable because you couldn't do what you wanted, because you had to work and pay taxes that help other people reep rewards and then you die. I see it as we should be able to do what we passionately want in life and money should be shared by everyone. Sharing is caring, and love is the #1 world saver. I think i should stop here before i completely turn into a post-veitnam hippie protester.
Getting a new car in february, new home/apartment as well. Then hopefully, i can get rid of my only credit card debt. woo.
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| my life in shambles.. |
[27 Aug 2007|01:21pm] |
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mood |
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worried |
] |
my life has been turned upside and all around, again. I just hope everything works out for the better. I love him more than anything in this world.. and all I want is to be with him. I hope to god that it works out okay.
What do i say to make it better?
how do i act to show you i'm the one
who's ever going to see you for who you are
you are the greatest person i've ever met, and your the sweetest drug
ever invented.
i just want you, and only you.
be mine, our love stands all the tests of time.
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| just keep swimming.. |
[29 May 2007|05:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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mellow |
] |
So... i'm probably moving to florida. =0o! I'm more than positive this is going to quite an adventure. I've only known this kid for a year, dated him for like a month or two.. and now i'm going to florida with him. To live. HAH. I'm so fucking insane, and I love it. I'm a little scared, don't really know what ta-do. I almost fucked all that up this morning, letting some old bullshit get to my head.i've found a healthy way to pass you on.
Good music. It's like therapy.
i almost let him get away. again. This time being my fault. I shouldn't even let little doubts enter my mind. It's fear, I know this. I just don't want to jump into something that I might end up drowning in. I'm not sure if I'll have a life-saver to reel me back to shore. Sometimes you gotta do, whatcha gotta do... right?I'm sure I'll be just fine. If not, I can always come running home like a big ol' wuss. But I'm sure I'll wanna stay with his adorable ass. Just can't get over the goofballness<3 Unless he really starts to irritate me. Until now, it's all just little things that I'm not use to. gotta get down with mah bad-self.
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[15 May 2007|11:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
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worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
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umbrella by rihanna |
] |
I hate my life. I can never have happiness without it fucking up completely. When is it going to be my turn? When can I just be really happy? Why can't I just have what I want, and just live my life. Just when I'm starting to get really happy with something.. it fucks up for me. I hate this, I hate you, and above all I hate me. And love. Fuck it all.
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[01 Mar 2007|08:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
It's funny how life turns out sometimes. Things come to an end, new things spring about and old habits die out and new ones form.
Realizing who is going to be there for you in life is very important, surround yourself with these people. You will never lose. I did not do this, and I'm starting to see who my real friends are. It's sad, but somethings weren't meant to be forever I guess.
My true best friend.. I was blind to it for years. The only person I could actually call and they would drop everything for me if I needed it. Well there is 2 people like this... and a few more I would like to think they are like this.. but who really knows.
Jessica
Frank
and I'm hoping Jodi.
other than that.. I count on no one. Not even my own sisters. But above all, I count on my Mom and Dad. I love them very much, and they are always there for me.
Throughout life things are testing your ability to handle situations.. i think they are breeding us for the good fight. We are going to be warriors in the next life.. Angels agaisnt Demons. Get Ready.. I know I am.
I have this headcold that won't go away.. the post-nasal drip is ridiculous. The congestion is bad, and the sinus headaches are worse. Bleh!
School is school, who wants to be there but you have to. My placement, Bright Horizons DayCare Children Center.. offered me a job already! Because I am that damn good with babies :] I hope Frank and I will go on a vacation together on spring break. We need it. Plus we've never done that together before.. so it will be something new and exciting to do together. I need to go take a shower.
I'm leaving now...
and to those of you who think they should be in my list of who cares.. too bad, your not worth it.
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| Thinking is just too much to handle sometimes. |
[31 Jan 2007|05:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
well school started! that's pretty exciting! I like all my classes so far, and all my teachers are really nice. I'm still getting use to the new schedule and work. It's a little hard, and I might need to quit my job because I need to do homework and the days where I should be getting it done, I'm not because of work. So I don't know where thats going to go.
On another note, Frank and I have been back together since a couple of days before Christmas. It's been really nice, but we've had our rough spots trying to get comfortable with eachother again. Sometimes I can't let things go, and most of the time he's a dickhead. I hate when I have to question us being together or not. I hate it more than anything, but the way he talks to me sometimes I just want to walk away for good. I was watching Charmed and Pheobe said something that made perfect sense. "We just need to realize we are not going to work, after all the times we've tried over and over again, it just won't. We just weren't meant to be. And it's not because we didn't love eachother, it's just love wasn't enough."
And even though I'm going to love him for the rest of my life, I sometimes wonder if our love is enough. Is it enough to deal with all the crap we put ourselves through? And the fact that it's all happening within a month of us getting back together isn't a good sign. I don't know, I just don't know if all of the pain and heartache we put eachother through is really worth it. I love him, but will it be enough? These things I'm constantly thinking about, it's like my mind won't let myself be happy. I think things too thoroughly and analyze too much. I need to learn how to stop that.
And learn some time management. That's a must.
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[28 Nov 2006|02:51am] |
things are...
lets say...
interesting.
I found out some new information today, made me smile.
I wonder if it bothers people to know i know stuff.. that i shouldn't.
I'm starting to enjoy life again, it's nice.
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[11 Nov 2006|10:07pm] |
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well since i dont know what the fuck is going on anymore.. i think i will just sleep the days away and not care.
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[02 Nov 2006|02:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
i have a headache
i've been sleeping through the days and staying up all night lately
bad habit
school's coming soon, i'm nervous and anxious.
i wish a distraction would come my way, lord knows i need one.
i wanna be a fish so i can stay under water for long periods of time.. i would like to be able to just leave the surface whenever i needed to.
i'm getting sleepy now..
goodnight.
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[01 Oct 2006|01:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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beyonce |
] |
so friday, i went and picked Daro up in maine with pearl, alex, and lisa. It was a damn good time, and there are some good pictures. Daro decided not tell Pat that she was coming into town early... even though we all knew it wasn't a good idea. BUTTTtttt it was a good time reguardless, because i got to see Daro and hang out with all the good peeps! good luck daro.. i love you<3
I CAN'T WAIT TO START SCHOOL!!!
but i think for the next 3 months.. i'm going to live in philadelphia to get away from all the bullshit, so i can start school with an open mind. I'm so freaking excited.. i can't wait..
This is for all my cute Truck Driving, In traffic for an hour, GOING TO MAINNEEE lovers<3 YODDAAA!!!!
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| deja vu |
[24 Sep 2006|03:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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my own coughing |
] |
nothings changed... and i hate that. still so fucking in love with him, and i wish i wasn't anymore.. bc he clearly doesn't want me. fuck love, fuck memories, fuck all the promises, fuck everything.
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[11 Sep 2006|11:55pm] |
shit still sucks... i hate all of this bullshit. I still miss him, and i hate it. I wish he would just come back, and we can be happy again.
love sucks
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[22 Aug 2006|11:26am] |
it's not getting any easier.. in fact, i think it's getting harder. Why does it have to be this way, why did i have to fall so hard for you and you just walked away. i miss you terribly, and it hurts.
:[
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| my horoscope for the week |
[15 Aug 2006|01:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
The week starts out on a strong note for you, and there will be no doubt that you will be feeling strong, confident, and lucky in the realm of love and romance. The only problem is that this confidence is extremely fleeting, and it won't be long until the clouds of doubt start to creep into your radar. Then, to add insult to injury, everyone around you starts acting arrogant and demanding. Why should you listen to their orders? Why should you have to fall under their command? You are on your own trip, so continue along your way while you let the people around you do the same. This is especially true for you and your romantic partner. Let events happen naturally without worrying about the consequences. Enjoy the journey without being so concerned about the destination. There is more to the movie of life than just the final scene.
so this is quite the love horoscope.. it's making me think a lot about things.
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| fresshhh princee of bel air is thaa shizznit |
[13 Aug 2006|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha let me see you try and do what you say your gonna do.. you ridiculous child. Grow the fuck up and get over YOURSELF.
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| i hate this .. . . |
[03 Aug 2006|02:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, only that moon.
I really miss frank. It hurts so bad, and I know it's only been 4 days but this is so completely hurtful that its ridiculous. I want him to come back, badly. Please, baby, I need you. :/
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